Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Nice try Hitler
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad