What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“What movie?” 🤔
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir