Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
that lip filler tho
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Cat is stressing him out.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS