Do not levitate over flowers
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
no!! no!!!!!!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.