The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
You Might Also Like
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]