the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
3% human
97% stress
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Breaking news:
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.