ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂