first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.