Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Saturday
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
🤣
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies