I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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Fluff me with a fork baby
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Always…
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.