Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I hate when that happens.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.