I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
the #horror is real!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.