Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent