I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
so i’m at the stock market right
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.