To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
i- i did not expect this
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.