[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶