People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
we all know this pain all too well
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Mornin
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*