*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Simple
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
won’t smith
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?