*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
i choose….tongue
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!