Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I have no passwords left in me
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.