Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
You Might Also Like
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!