To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings