The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.