For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You Might Also Like
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
The days of good grammer has went
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.