someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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Called it
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Terribly Tuesday.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
So the ex texted me
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.