Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Guilty! 🤪
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Lol.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.