[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!