I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.