I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we鈥檙e good
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: I can鈥檛 carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I鈥檝e seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That鈥檚 different, that鈥檚 food.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My son told his sister she鈥檇 never fit in the trunk and she said she鈥檇 prove it and I know I鈥檓 supposed to say something as the adult but aren鈥檛 some lessons better learned the hard way?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who鈥檚 a good boi?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.