{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Yup….perfect score!
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch