This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
You Might Also Like
emergency phone
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I have obtained a hat
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?