when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon