Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*struts into the new year
~ trips