*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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