“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Jurassic park gets weird
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”