[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
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me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
#Caturday
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My current situation
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive