I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.