What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
You Might Also Like
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs