If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’