At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.