[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.