The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.