We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”