It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
#NoRestForTheWicked
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise