Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
all bases covered
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long