When you try jalapeños for the first time
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The biggest mystery of our time
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier