gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You Might Also Like
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Super Hand Dog Face
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do