I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?