Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆