[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.